Welcome to the "United" States of America

I sense that some of you out there are a little shocked and confused... seriously, you're stumbling around in a daze like an Iraqi who just had his house bombed. Here, pull up a chair. Want some coffee? Good. I want to talk to you.

Ever hear of Mitchell, South Dakota? Yes, that same South Dakota that just removed Tom Daschle from the Senate. Well Mitchell, South Dakota has a little something called Corn Palace. To quote Roadside America: Mitchell's high school sports teams are the Kernels. Its local radio station's call letters are KORN. And it's home to the "agricultural showplace of the world," the Mitchell Corn Palace. Here's a pic:

There's a town in Missouri called Brunswick. It is home to something called the World's Largest Pecan.

The world's second largest is located in Seguin, Texas.

Speaking of Texas, there's a place called Groom, home to the largest cross in the western hemisphere. There's even a cute memorial to the "victims of abortion" - see? There's Jesus holding a fetus:


Do you know Cawker City, Kansas? Well, you should - it's home to the world's largest ball of twine.

Hey, did you know that in Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, and Utah, they voted for constitutional amendments banning gay marriage? It's true!

So, what am I getting at, you may ask. What I'm getting at is this: you are out of touch. You post on livejournal about how great Kerry and the Democrats are, and then you go to your local coffeeshop and debate how much Bush is the worst president in US history, and talk to your friends at the Halloween party about how much Fahrenheit 9/11 ruled. Well, you're wasting your time - just preaching to the choir, really. Because the heart of America - the true America - is in two places - the midwest, and the Bible Belt. In these places, lots of people don't care about MLK Jr. Day. They don't like gays and minorities. Arabs scare them. They run around in giant pickup trucks and go to NASCAR races. They like Garth Brooks and were pissed off when he turned all faggoty with that Chris Gaines crap.

They love Toby Keith and how he puts his boot in people's asses, because it's the American Way. America, fuck yeah. Love it or leave it. Toast and eggs and grits in the morning and the 10 Commandments on every wall. The president can't speak properly? Shit, he's smarter than we are. Invaded a country and lied about the reasons, did he? Eh, who cares? He's protecting us from the terrorists! That whole area over there is nuthin but terrorists! Besides, he's got a nice ranch down there in Crawford - he's a good old boy. Just like us.

This is the real America.

Get used to it.

Bill Gordon
Nov. 3rd, 2004